Baby Mia shower Oct 2015

From Point A to Point B

There isn't a place I can go. Going around and around a few times without the ebb and flow.  Something has got to give.  Two years of long minimum wage lessons in truth.  Newspapers and television.  There isn't a single kernel of wisdom to take with the day. This morning at 10:30a the 22nd of November of 2015 the new snow showed the end of the year another warm and glittery white winter. 

There at the precipise there was a great sigh of relief while the subject wasn't there. Tragedy comes from the changes that take place. And the more we have a holiday come around the more the feeling of celebration follows.

There isn't a a better decision than when you make it.  There isn't much of a wild card when the middle of the night is the longest time of the day.  Yesterday is gone and tomorrow can blend into last week's time frame.

She

She sat at table still and quiet. She then went to the door standing there saying bye in response. Only eyes were on the prize.  There wasn't a sound not even a ping pang to off balance the elephant in the room.

The lights could have been off and the air in room could have been poisoned she wouldn't have known the difference.  Maybe tomorrow was all that would matter when the presence is controlled only by God.  All the study, practice, or grace in the world doesn't hold well when ice and hearts combine. Fuck maybe it was experience, beginners misfortune, reputation, the drugs or lack of, history, false hope and betrayal that shines blocking the light of wisdom.
  Holding on to a greeting was bigger than life.  Both initiated by the woman waiting for a cue to stay or leave depending on her inviter.

Mistake after mistake fizzled.  She filled her mind the space between anger and hunger.  The waiter was unknown, and talked quietly to her inviter who couldn't be more out of place and exhausted.  Afraid to move at all a numbness filled her thoughts and heart and smoke her lungs.

Emulating her mother the waiter stayed at the


Party and presented over the top social graces. In 2013 only 2 years ago, a cluster of people came around and went with lunch or coffee dates some in Chicago, and some in NWI for a brief time.  What a considerable time of open doors and opportunities with the empowerment of others.  

Then a town smaller in orbit than the tiniest cluster of Fila busters brings out her desecration extracted from smoking, and poking around all the wrong places with all the wrong faces, sends her into what feels like the childhood matters away from a dangerous outlook of going higher than she ever resolved.

Contoured by mommy's heart, and daddy's little tart, she was in warm and very soft waters.  So confused yet so consistently confidential why hide or collide with the presence when the past was much more consumed by her galloping freedom in areas she is aware are gifts to her from God's universal undeserved liberations.

Squeezing into the black hole of the presence she would not lengthenough the leash of her own freedom only to suffice her boxed lunch of her own boundaries.

All her rope was beginning to tighten the more it unraveled yet a journey of eye liner, tampons, and padded bras would not let her down.  She came this far and wouldn't let her band of angels down for anyone.

 Her debt erased she believed let her yearnings to control, release and her longing to take toll, ease.  Could have been a breakthrough for the waiter to cancel out on family pressures during the holiday and go to a party where only mayhem presented itself with a over joyous array of colorful people?

Leather skin this time and a bald head while the same scenario occurred well over 20 years ago when her skin was soft and smooth.  Her inviter as well given the same age the waiter was didn't look pleasing to the naked eye.  How could it be possible only 20 years ago her inviter over 15 years older then the waiter could have outdone both individuals in looks?! Times have changed grossly.

Surrender. The action word came to the waiters mind when all she could do is fall asleep from the pressure of humiliation and offense as the inviter lured aND played with his interests and uncontrollable desires. All the while the waiter tortured herself more to get her focus off the pain of her life being destroyed with great reasoning and justification as she looked longingly at all the couples leaving the surprise party early with desparation in her eyes to be that couple with her inviter who continued to be smitten with himself.

Justification of karma comes when God brings forth good things.  All good things come from God alone.

Frosting: A Tiny Treat

There is many sugary and salty treats we stick our fingers in that we cannot resist.  There are sugar free candys and reduced sodium television dinners on the market that are addicting and very promising to better health.

I love those signs and long to see them more on cheesy snacks and strawberry desserts especially saying sugar free and reduced salt.  In my purse I picked strawberry fluff and dab my finger tip in it in big and small swirls of this light and fluffy taste
Discreetly in my mouth in traffic or waiting rooms.

It's always the day after a sugar free day that I reward myself with sugar since a whole day a year has been very challenging considering my fast food job and mothers pastries everywhere in the kitchen from cheese danishes to whip cream.

ththe book marks in the books pushed me to read on past the person who read up to the page marked whether it was a. Ook mark placed in the book by a 

 Cashier or by my mother since they were her books i dont know.e remains of a plastic can of pink whipped cream found a home in the skirts of my arteries so sweet and I felt my body soften into a subtle soft mass of flesh.  Could it be possible or an illusion that the sugar can work into the body as a reflection of what we eat?

Craving Cigarettes

There was this story I heard about someone who burned their apartment down smoking in bed smoking a cigarette and falling asleep with it in their hand. I think I see a lot of news on television that involve cigarette fire accidents and growing up we couldn't have candles let alone lighters or cigarettes in the 80s if the year makes any difference.  Another cigarette broken in half in my pocket.  There is the essence of quitting filling my mind and heart.  The thought to smoke it becomes irrelevant and misunderstood by the second.  The smell of ingredients and the taste is a mystery. Then the next day another and another.  All the time I was wondering if cigarettes were quitting me or was it going to be the other way around.  The smell is every where smoke fills the room daily.

The mind blowing cancer causing habits have cigarettes at the top of my list of understanding. Researching ten to twenty cigarette resources from books to word of mouth smoking cigarettes are still very popular in the social lite.

  Calculating the cost of buying cigarettes was very depressing when the goal I needed to accomplish was to get an apartment of my own or a house.  Moving out of the parents house was what my goal seemed to be until I looked at the cost of smoking.  $49.00 a week on a pack of smokes a day was a set back to saving money for an apartment.

There is a man who smokes about a pack a day and I've gone to gas stations and smoke stores to bring him a pack of cigarettes and I'd have my share as we sat planning day to day work and relationship decisions.  I've smoked off and on through my teens and twenties.  Hiding each cigarette from my family members mostly has kept us from smoking in the house or cars. This decision has kept us from lighting up in the house mostly and yet chain smoking around my friends was an on going strain I kept up with just to light up that cigarette and look and pretend to feel that it brought relief and calm relaxation.

"What We Put In Our Head is Much More Important That What We Put In Our Bodies." Lucinda Bassett Session on Obsessive/Fearful Thoughts.  There were years of quitting and long days at the gym in my twenties and then in my middle thirties I picked up smoking again when I was under a lot of stress and pressure to be everywhere with everyone at the same time, I mean it was not possible to do these things and the loss and gains of choices was nursed by a cigarette.

I had to step outside mostly to light up, or brush my teeth and wash my hands after every cigarette.  I wasn't allowed to smoke while driving but I did anyway.

 Second hand smoke has been a big part of my day sitting inside watching television for hours and in between naps this year.  I did stop going to the gym since I couldn't find a gym partner and started bike riding.  I feared how I looked and what people stereotyped me as the days of 2015 began to fly by my parents well mostly my mother whom has given me new clothes and a place at home to stay and keep clean which meant no smoking in the house or smelling smoke allowed.  She would sneeze a lot and I'd feel guilty and unclean whenever I spent five minutes to go outside for one cigarette.

Somedays between job hunts and worry about where people were at when I needed them I would depend on a cigarette and smoke all hours of the day and night alone and it made me feel worse and worse to think in addtion to all my  problems that I may get lung cancer, and or look disgusting to many people who don't smoke.  I saw holes in others car seats and clothes from smoking and all the money spent for lighters and cigarettes listening to the horse voices of woman and staring at the mouths of smokers who developed teeth decay and gum diseases as I did.

I couldn't believe it happened to me.  I brushed my teeth everyday and barely smoked and gum disease came my way and I couldn't believe that it could be from smoking.  No one in my family smokes and neither did my gym family for five years.  I don't have any reason why except being addicted to cigarettes to keep one in a book, or in the truck compartments or in my purse a cigarette to have handy daily and without one I'd feel down and distracted by the absence of the oral fixation of having a cigarette in my mouth.and maybe doing something besides keeping my hands folded in my lap cigarettes seemed to absorb all the days controls.  And it didn't really.

Smoking was a way to get away from the family table, or work pains such as staring at the clock or feeling the mundane and lulls of the long shift that felt would never end.  Cleaning ash trays and constantly checking my breath after a cigarette seemed a new problem from old problems and have them rest and dissolve if possible.  The smell was strong all over me, and others and it didn't bother me unless it bothered you.  I never knew and it was a risk to smoke for hygiene and health dangers that sabotaged social settings. I feared smelling like smoke around everyone from my boss to my beau.

What were all the new feelings that came with a cigarette like sophistication and class when you remember movie stars who smoke it cangive you the feeling of fame  and the non smoking feelings of pleasant ease and wellness?    The scares of burning down my house or getting into a car accident lighting up, or losing a relationship over smoking had me blog about the time and money consuming habit of smoking cigarettes and the choices lighting up or not brings to the moment of pleasing and uncomfortable situations.


Living in a smoke free state has made it clear that children and pets are being protected from such a careless choice of habit with many individuals.  It's always a conversation starter and breaker during meals.  I would like to smoke where would you like me to ash this cigarette?   I smoke do you care for one?  Im on my way to an interview I'm not smoking so I'll need to stop for gum or sugar free candy.

As you can see a glimpse of the smokers thoughts goes a long way.  Sometimes smoking broke the ice and other times it was sad to smoke and see the disaster of any disappointed parent for the hope of a healthy lifestyle and a serious love for wholesome habits.

It's not an easy task to smoke.  The body begins  to crave attention and cigarettes fill the body with over 7000 chemicals from chocolate to rum.  Learning that only a drop of nicotine alone can kill you alone I found out what then has kept smoking such a habit.

Setting a good example for others who don't smoke or are very young I'd often stay away from,crowds if I was smoking a cigarette
Then when I had to count 15 steps away from public entrances to smoke and keep from getting the smoke in others faces or from around their children I wouldn't even bother lighting up.

After meals it was soothing or watching Sarah Jessica  Parker doing it made it feel sexy and often with dark red lipstick it felt intriguing until the summers hit 100 degrees or the air conditioner was on then it only brought complete unease and discomfort since it was either too cold or hot out.  Mostly it was prohibited though and with a little company over it just helped the time go faster or slower depending on if the others were smoking or nonsmokers.

Smoking mostly began in high school when peer pressure seemed epidemic and smoking would put you somewhere when you weren't athletic or outgoing although I discovered many things about myself later on in life.

There are so many places outdoors to smoke yet I feel mother nature frowning upon request to put it out.  There wasn't much she could not say about the lungs in my body or the air I breathe when smoke rings were fun to watch and the bad boys sparked up their lights and lit their cigarette as if to say this is a message to rumors, the gossip, and the long conversations about do's and don'ts.

All those pretty faces on television and with great physical shape had me wonder how they kept their looks and health as a smoker.  Kate Winslet, Ashley Judd, Linda Hamilton, and last but not least Audrey Hepburn made me feel pretty lighting up a cigarette. Then I looked at and actresses when I was not smoking to keep me from smoking such as Courtney Love Sigourney Weaver and Whoopi Goldberg in their part of movies. The reason I mention these famous women is because they appear in movies with cigarettes in their mouths and their movies were big during my most impressionable years such as Alien, Ghost, and The People Vs. Larry Flynt.  They were the leading roles in these picture films that I adored as a young adult.

Since I was wondering about the cigarette breaks and afternoon shifts cleaning up after a cigarette has been a big deal of time. There is no way a lighter cannot be stolen or a pack be shared around bus or train stops and all the worries and guilt of giving one away doesn't mean much when you know the risks of the smoking habit and they are not easy consequences from coughing up a lung to getting kicked out of the house for being altered by each puff when the mind is relaxed and out of touch.  Everyday it's different to light up a cigarette sometimes it's a awful taste and I flick the cherry off and assume it may taste better later thinking about getting out of the rain and having breakfast or going for a jog. Then I hop on a bike and go down street hills and listen to music on earbuds.

Since I cannot believe that I actually go out and buy a pack at the local liquor store it's hard to watch my money or borrowed money worked for being used on cigarettes.  There isn't much to say about what I learned watching dad journal every receipt on Florida, Texas, and California trips from gas, hotel, restaurant,and parks as a family.

The years went by relying on my peers pressure it seemed easy to trust others for where Iwe would not yet take care, and smoking was one of them.  I would put cigarettes between book pages to find one like finding a five dollar bill in a old coat pocket.

There is a self confidence shake smoking anywhere near authorities, family, and or large crowds.  It feels good to know we have a choice to put it out or to think about our surroundings more when you smoke than when you are chewing a piece of gum.

There were alot of good memories accompanied by the distraction of lighting a cigarette and if I could light up in lines I would.  There are many places to smoke yet there are more places that prohibit it with signs such as please refrain from smoking such as in theatres, air planes, ball games, churches,  and stores.

  What difference does it make?  How did society decide when and where to smoke I wonder?  We scurry as mice looking for a place to light up in a world where there is no place to run or hide to smoke.  It's no thrill, it's no fun, and there is nothing artist about the appearance or health of a smoker.

Learning to network in college I could see smoking was a way to delay all the things people didn't want to face such as their weight, their homework, a test, an internship, fashion trends, peer pressure, waiting for that vacation, family visits, blind dates, Friday and Saturday nights, and more.

Most of the time I stayed private and reserved about smoking a cigarette and analyzed it some seasons where I'd survey smokers thoughts, and feelings about their smoking and each treasured story fell into into the eye of the beholder. a quiet and unseen epidemic. There wasn't a beautiful thing in sight when a smoker inhales 7000 chemicals dried put for the smokers pleasure and the love of the habit of course.

Did I look cool sparking up the lighter and kneeling ever so slightly my cigarette tip into the small flame?  I had to be funny when I would be so precarious about the getting caught cuteness.  I used to be more concerned when I was a teenager and more so in my twenties that someone would disapprove and see me.

There was this time when everyone I met didn't smoke and those that did were not that interested in caring if they did smoke or not.  I'd paint my toes and smoke a cigarette to feel more feminine doing the one thing mom would never accept in her house or in her daughter.

Many times I'd buy packs for people who bummed me a smoke and or gave me a drag of one.  In fact I can remember someone I owe a pack of cigarettes.   Smoking in bed was somewhere I never had a problem not smoking.

Watching the movies stars, and beautiful people light up a cigarette sometimes influenced me to give in an light up a cigarette and other times it didn't phase me especially when I was done with my stressful triggers to puff away and chase around others who lit up to feel I belonged.

Many times I wondered why quit or why start when the middle of it all was where all the smoking takes place.  There isn't a good or bad time to light up a cigarette yet I prefer after big meals, and in traffic.  I used to think about the way it would effect my hair and nails.

I thought about the way it would be to never light up or never stop and smoking then seemed less of a hassle and a more peaceful pursuit.  There is an ashtray full of cigarette butts that cannot be thrown out in case there is an extra drag left on one when money and gas for the car is tight or budgeted and riding the bike down the street to the gas station is a choice turned down.

Adding up the expense of smoking has me thinking about the hour at work I spend getting paid to walk around clean and serve the public fast food in a timely fashion for twenty cigarettes that may be smoked in one day.  Then the full day at work is the cost of a weeks worth of cigarette packs.  So I look at what I do at work for seven hours and remember that one day on the job is for seven packs of cigarettes and that feels unexplainable.  There isn't a healthy part of smoking or a safe part about it while it keeps hygiene and health poor. Running into gas stations for a slice of pizza or a coffee on work breaks used to swallow up twenty a week or more easily from my budget and then their cigarettes and slushees topped the cake of my wallet with twenty dollars in gas twice a week going in and out of work.

Last year for the first time I would by a pack of cigarettes for after work and before work standing alone to puff a few drags.  The smell was strong in the truck and on my clothes smoke lingered.  My place of work would have me take the garage out and I wanted to light up there and anytime I was outside.  The hold smoking has on me isn't there anymore I know the consequences and the choice to smoke is my responsibility and not anyone else's.

After reading 1000 chemicals found in cigarette smoke I came across some very interesting items rum, chocolate, and other extracts or edibles that are rolled into a smoking aparatise.  Cleaning chemicals are in there too which is pretty messed up if you think about it.  20 years ago smoking was only something you try on for size and put it back and today smoking is a social networking tool used to feel confident and in control in my opinion.

Turning to a cigarette instead of a bagel or donut was liberating since I am a big junk food consumer and love my sweets.  Dad said if I keep eating those sweets I will become diabetic.  Then there is the smoking habit and no exceptions for feel mad and bad about life if you're a smoker it seriously does mess with your self esteem.

It quit then lit up again then,quit and lit up again felt the social norm since it is acceptable in society and that was most everyone's favorite smoking conversation. I quit and started up again and each time feeling a little healthier as knowledge is an education on smoking causing can cause weight loss and quitting causes weight gain .  After or before a workout smoking felt seriously exhilarating since Catch 22 kept me busy with the long work outs to the then smoking and bad eating.

Being 16 years old and smoking wasn't what I would have chosen for anyone.  I began to feel responsible for friends and friends of friends lighting up a cigarette.  Then family lighting up which I never saw happen much made me feel awful until the minute I quit and every minute after that until I lit up again.

There wasn't much money in my pocket so I'd borrow money for McDonalds and spend it on a pack of cigarettes.  My allowance was spent on cigarettes and lighters for parties and at the age of 35 years old.  Over Christmas mom loaned me her credit card for gasoline and when she saw the receipts she said I will take this back if you buy cigarettes so instead I'd scrounge around for loose change in the truck, under couches, and at the bottom of my purse.

This routine of cigarette money went on for years.  There wasn't a dime anywhere Somedays and that's when if go into books to see if any cigarettes  were left in there to smoke.  I couldn't believe the fun and stupidity involved in smoking could be so precarious and time consuming.

Sometimes I would light up to hurry my life up when it stunted my endurance or stamina and breathing.  Other times when I wanted to live a long life and was happy I'd think how I could quit any time and the healing process on my heart and lungs would bring some hope.

There isn't a healthy diet on this planet and a cigarette tops the cake.  Everything in moderation seems to be more upfront than any bullshit plan of nirvana.  There is some one who strings along all they can be and I cannot believe that I actually will grow old and sick because of my smoking and all the bullshit food and inactivity slowly painfully unaware of the muster seed of faith that waits for no one yet will move mountains.

There isn't much to say about smoking it is very acceptable in society, or community and as a perception can morph the mind to keep smoking I would just like to see what else I'd be thinking of and doing if I wasn't allowed to smoke or had the money to smoke.

I remember taking cigarettes half smoked from ashtrays and smoking other people's left over cigarettes when I needed to budget my money or wasn't working and being called a bum was very hard for me since I couldn't admit that I wouldn't kick the smoking habit of tabacco.

Lately I'm up late in the nite smoking outside where the kyoties are howling.
And bright in the early mornings indoors since he's doing the same thing, smoking indoors putting the towel under the door and screens off windows to ash outside.

Without these things around I'm very excited and happy.  It wont seem so though when I think of the consequences of not being a follower of smoking. There's the snacking and extra cash around when I don't light up and goals change to eat better or lose weight.  Then theres the extra gas money or debts paid.  Then choices get better and I go ahead and feel calmer or freer from smoking and social awkwardness.  The quiet nights stir me up to soak in the silence.  It's a beautiful sound rarely given and my appreciation to structure or mechanical engineering of daily functions bring about the radical radiance of the night.

Lighting up a cigarette sometimes influenced by nature's purities stands a loaf the toxic chemicals smokey swirls after a puff.  There isn't much to a drag of a smoke and so I quickly breathe the puff of a cigarette in and exhale with aggressive gusts of air in disgust and distracted disguise transforming into a vessel of frail pieces.  The metamorphic transition builds up my appetite and my false pride of independence and intimacy with others.

So when I light a cigarette up and it's 100 degrees out I feel so hot inside as well as on the outside when I smoke. So then I inhale and release the next hill to smoke and I can't see when I need a drink of water more than a pop a drag puff. So then I get more thirsty or every time I pop a cigarette in really hot weather and the weather makes the left side of my temple strain and pulsate and then I wonder if it's from the cigarette. I usually pray after each cigarettes that God will protect the very fragile breathing apparatus within me. To smoke while driving is blank is like when you are watching TV and on the telephone. I wonder sometimes why I even bother having a cigarette if it's just too to keep a steady persona or if its just you that makes me want to have a cigarette because I think I'm going to put everything that makes me feel into you that is good.

When you smoke you tend to know people who ask for money for cigarettes and then there's others who don't expect you to pay back pay you back it's mostly the ones you're borrowing from in the end who want to be paid back.  Sit in with kids or go outside with the smokers.  Pull a fast one and leave early from a social setting or go in for the fun and food.  There's a way out.  Running errands wild can be one activity away from a bunch of smokers. Making complete stops on the way back and taking time in the store to get all items on the list.

 Years go by with some of my smoker friends and they have quit and then just started again and wonder if it's just a paradox that the opposite of what each other are doing to support each other in the most detrimental area, smoking is believeable.

It's hot out and I'm hard of hearing everything I've heard before about smoking dangers.  Smoking will give you cancer, emphesema, age you faster.  Motives can be about smoking more and less when you come to a positive or negative milestone such as losing weight, a new job, weddings, funerals, social events, and losses.

When I had final exams I would smoke more and afterward to celebrate passing a yest or a class smoking was easier.  Then a cigarette would accompany me after failing an exam that I needed to pass to exhibit skills and interests in a better GPA, and or a better job or career change.

Lighting up during learning what mattered in class notes, grades, and a GPA score seemed to help me to concentrate and focus on what was needed for following advice and counselors about a major and time constraints in switching or adding a degree for more skills under your belt.

Finding a job or a friend made smoking seem necessary maybe because of peers who smoked and celebrities or actors looked up to since they were the people trusted for advice for choices to make in problem solving and they seemed to do it so well.

I could go outside and have a cigarette while at a restaurant, church, and or class sometimes.  On a bad day I smoke while jogging or walking the trails around mom and dad's townhouse.  While I don't have a cigarette I don't think of one in grotesque suffering as I assume some may feel and I'm very sorry for those who need a cigarette for anything sometimes.

 I've worked up motivation to wake in the middle of the night to get a cigarette only to have none.  Then theres Bible reading Id rather take on then a trip to the gas station most midnight at home for a pack of smokes this year.  Dumping out drawers and make up bags for change sometimes seemed more productive than waking my parents up for money at 2am or 4am for cigarettes.

Then there was the nights I did hop in the truck to the gas station late at night for cigarettes and didn't read the Word and found that the cashiers were women my age and I feared for their safety and security that late in the evenings.

I had my do gooder moments that involved jiving up talks on work, and school with cashiers who sold me cigarettes maybe out of sheer luck or utter loneliness while everyone I knew were asleep mostly at 2a-4a.

At least smoking gave us something else to do when we wouldn't do anything else that seemed social and team oriented even thoughtful considering others health and feelings.  Smoking will definitely draw someone into your life or out of your life in a good way since collaborations see smokers some times in groups as healthy or non healthy.

When I was young my mom's friend Ralph smoked and it was a curiosity I took on in the way he smoked and the way he appeared to behave toward others with a cigarette or not.  He took his habit of lighting up outside parties and he seemed more or less faraway in thought with a cigarette.  And when I did notice he seed more chivalrous and comfortable or social with laughter and attentive eyes while not smoking.

Smoking definitely is an escape, and an independent captor from life in my opinion. My first boyfriend wasn't a smoker and was a football player we went out for a summer give or take while my second boyfriend in high school lasted longer and smoked so he was much more consumed by smoking than the stresses of dating me maybe and his health since he quit sports.

I didn't think smokers could be so consistent until I hung around one. He could light up at any time anywhere with a pack of cigarettes.  Fixated by his smoking I'd go somewhere inside my mind before I light up to see how long before I gave in to lighting up with him.  Sometime more than usual I'd light up on my own five or six in a day.

Yesterday cigarettes were a thing of the past.

One piff, two puff, three puff four, there is a plant to high on the shelf for water to reach for me and pour and I laugh out loud for the wind to absorb out the screen into the nieghborhood at will.  The is a cigarette half smoked upstairs in the bedroom usually I exaggeratingly assume yet deep down the probability is that it's not there.

Yet it spins slowly around in my consciousness a vision of a smokers bliss holding back the knowledge of a lit up cigarette into chosen ignorance.  At bay, on the side lines there's a bike ride and a combination of eating well and a high road on the menu of please don't smoke.

Around a small gathering of four I shared a puff off a lit cigarette a few drags here and there until I begin to stare hard then harder, then even harder at the lit cigarette between conversations.  I can feel the intensity to gamble my health and that of others distracted by the absence of the next pass of a drag of a cigarette.

It was to the point where I was waiting for a puff maybe it was the connection between me and the other smoker or the build up of communication that took place with each pass of the cigarette where I would politely answer yes or no.

The desparation for the pass of a drag of a cigarette at times became an obligation and a emotional distraction pulling me in and out of different topics until I got the hang of pulling in and out myself what topics to puff off with a drag of a cigarette and which to hold out until after the silence or noise moved me to give or act before the beloved touch of or brush of the human touch with a cigarette inhalation.

These moments can grow into hours and then day turning into weeks of passing for a puff even when you know the moment isn't right.  There's the right and wrong time while taking a puff of a cigarette as it can easily take away from the moment and or give to a moments truthful depth and superficial simplicities of a healthy lifestyle in the human contact of first impressions or long time impacts of others.  

There isn't many socially acceptable legal habits like smoking cigarettes.  Can you here the violin? What does maestro sound like in your world?  I remember putting out the cigarette butt in the beach sand.  It felt the way a kiss feels to lips unpredictable and full of suspense.

A cigarette blended in the west coast air compared to the east coast are very different aromas depending on how the body is feeling in the moment.  One night three colleages and I were together smoking and the smell and taste blended into a popcorn hot and buttered scent and aroma.

Sometimes the inhale of a cigarette was a taste of licorice or chicken. Life's not fair. I cannot imagine the slow down of dreams let alone the human heart when every day smokers light up a cigarette for any reason or none at all.

Laying out in the sun and smoking a cigarette was the closest feeling of relaxation I have ever could get.  Staring into the pages words of books and looking back and forth at the change of colors from red to black sometimes yellow.  The sun light would left a resonated color change of black letters to red or yellow.

There used to be a place behind my garage growing up that was for friends who smoked and I believe I got my practice or social norm acceptance within there with lighting up cigarettes in crowds behind my garage during childhood smoking cigarettes.

There was Mr. Dockery who was a teacher I can remember twenty years ago or more who laughed and smiled with a brown beard and v neck sweaters.  When I would walk into my teacher aid class for toddlers I remember smelling smoke on my hair and clothes and think of him then often.  His teeth were tar stained and the cigarette smoke on him smelled just like pretzels to me.

Another time I lit up in someone's van who said no smoking and I took it lightly and lit up if I recall correctly.  He was more upset than I could ever fathom I predicted when he crushedy pack of cigarettes with one fist and the other hand on the driving wheel and through it out the wondow as I cried over the incident.

He wasn't the first one to crush a pack of my cigarettes or swipe one lit from my mouth or fingers.  A fellow who courted me was a jogger and not a smoker I predicted due to the doctors and lawyers in his family.  They tend to build up more knowledge on the smokers health and safety.

Then there was the large number of people on planes that had to keep from fainting as they wait to get out of the airport to light up 15 feet away with laws today.  We are a people of habit.  Setting and rising we have the same time and space as everyone and what we do defines who we are or where we are and not going.

There are the smokers who have been criticized far worse than non smokers for their heath and saftey habits and reputation rides a high ferris wheel looking over a big city where books are judged by the cover in this society. The second hand smoke goes into carpets, couches, and on the walls.

I don't know where the healing goes for restarters of cigarette smoking.  The long paper rolled tabacco stick looks like a straw a short one sometimes with a pretzel scent heating up the depths of the nostrils.  Then into the brain cigarette toxins go killing brain cells and yet there are no laws for smoking mothers and fathers or relatives around babies.

Yet we cannot smoke in public stores? Theatres?  And yet hospitals and churches are non smoking areas as well.  Outdoor venues keep smokers in mind such as concert venues.  Smoking is allowed.

Never in a million years would I want to be caught dead smoking a cigarette.  The face I had to show the world with a cigarette meant a lot of things.  It meant eight things to everyone around differently.  Yet here goes another night of ligyting up a cigarette, of wrath mixed with tantalizing fears with the control swith in the hands of America a middle aged single brown female.

It's not that cigarette smoking is an unhealthy choice it's that quitting anything is possible woth the manifestations of choices.  It's just that were so busy looking out for each other that we don't really see ourselves smoking and when we do its too late we are already hooked on getting the other person to quit.

Then there is the fast response of haste that lighting up with subdue. DISCUSSING unmet dreams, catching up on heart to heart attempts after its too late.  And your mind is relaxed and the daily wine and dining brings a cigarette into the position of a god.  This should not be so in my opinion.  Then there is the smoking habit that I cant.seem to break of going down that particular road and there is that lighter handy this time in the right place at the right time for once.

The cigarette is nicely placed in the wallet at hands reach.  The first drag is everything at once and all the worries fade for that one minute.  The years went by relying on good health and feelings and then you see the days and hours put in to have that one cigarette at the right time and place and there it is all the worthwhile errors to good health for a little control.

It comes and goes and you begin to understand the situation of time it took,to lead to the moment of complete silence and pleasure so why can't this happen with getting a new job?  Priorities is the answer that we love to go after with all the gusto and umph in the world.

There's always that one place to light up, that one person you just have to light up with, and the one thought that sends you the cashier for a pack of cigarettes and since the holidays are here and the choices of lighting a cigarette outside are slim to none we feel free from life and death and look the other way as we hand the cashier our hard earned money of $6.00 for a pak of cigarettes.

Fixated by our hard earned dollar we feel we may deserve what we want and don't need so what now?  Just don't ash on me the back seat passenger suggests to the smoker in front seat.

Is the coffee really decaffeinated when you go through the drive thru window? Or when the waiter pours your cup of joe? There goes that vibrant cycle of supply and demand again when the stress levels skyrocket from saving ourselves for the holidays and anxiety begins to send us all into body symptoms that smoking covers up again and again with think bigger motivations such as go jogging daily or drink more water, eat less sugar or none at all.

Let's all have a cigarette!  Depression can't stem from smoking any more than the decaffeinated coffee.  Now what?  Let's all stay inside. NO, NO, NO!  Solution? Everything in moderation and don't forget to watch those carbohydrates my friends.

"Mom but smoking a cigarette keeps the other choices away."  Sally cries.

"Go for a jog Sallly." Mom says.

Well then ladies and gentlesaps let's consider the array of smokers.  There are those who blow smoke from their nostrils, and there are the smoke ring smoke blowers.

  "What about the onion rings though aren't they much healthier George?"

To smoke or not to smoke is clearly the reward and punishment trigger for the masses.  And who knows what the solution for the consequences of smoking cigarettes will sum up to in the end a quitter or a continue of the lifestyle faction.

The smell if smoke lingering into my bedroom window at 7am it's 1997, 17 years of age, and the builders outside are just arriving to finish the new deck mom wanted in the backyard.  Guns and Roses playing Patience while brushing my my teeth for high school.

The peaceful morning of sunshine and warmth without a care in the world cool off the hot water in the bath of future goals and priorities such as one day becoming a nurse like mom or a union worker at the Refinery like dad.

Bagels and eggs again downstairs and all I can think about is kissing my new boyfriend before the first hour bell rings at 7:45am.  The smell of cigarettes on his breath doesn't bother me or the tar stains on his teeth.  He probably doesn't notice that I'm his number one beaner.  That's what Mexicans are nick named and I thought it to be a cute name imagining the tiny bean dancing.

The sounds of GNR wind down the stairs while I gather my late laundry from the dryer and run back upstairs with the basket of crumpled unfolded pants and tops mostly black my favorite color.  By now Axl Rose voice sounds like a buzzing bee and GNRs song " You Could Be Mine" is skipping on the lyrics " you get nothing done," and mom is telling us to turn off the music we have only ten more minutes to get to school.

I turn the television on to MTV and there is Axl Rose in purple color tinted round sunglasses and a red suit jacket lighting a cigarette in November Rains music video.
Mom kept my sister and I up to date with the latest fashions in clothes and assessories and dad with kept us up to date with computer technology and when it came to our health cigarettes were greatly distressing and devastating to have around.

"If you're worried about your health why do you smoke?" Lucinda Bassett. Then there is the fact that there's no place for the smoke to go no chimney on top of our head so where does the smoke go?  Then there is the prayer for smokers that goes like this dear Lord I pray for our very fragile breathing apparatus amen.


Subconsciously there is no way to smoke a cigarette. Who knew the way to smoke a cigarette would include your major organs working through each puff?  Living away from or separate from blame can be as freeing as that puff of smoke of a cigarette.  It's been months since my last puff of a cigarette.   Where does the time go when the choice is all yours to light up a cigarette sometimes or not?

Aimless driving can be an interesting time to light up, running small errands can also be a time to light up a cigarette.  I asked if the
Patch would be more easy to use only to be considered of the ignorance of changing such a habit as lighting up a cigarette. There isn't a holiday as the one with a sneak outside for a puff of a cigarette and then some.  The non,smokers can smell it a mile away and then some.  There wasn't a single pain in the button than someone who has to smoke a cigarette and then goes into the house with smoke on their clothes and breath.

I'm convinced we can hide or stride along the way anywhere with a pack of cigarettes and feel relief or liberation under any circumstances due to the moment of control you have or don't lighting up a cigarette.

 Literally having to stop everything to get a lighter, retrieve your cigarettes from a purse, or glove compartment while balancing lighter flame to the moment of inhalation to light the cigarette could be a very unhealthy empowerment to the moment of the exhale.

Maybe nicotine as a force and addictive power is capable of doing alot of the liberated feelings probably false to reality-based health and well being fantasies when neglected.  So day in and day out we can explore new mentalities of smoking cigarettes as proof of smoking genes at 20 percent from the parents habit down to their offspring smoking cigarettes.

Smoking as told by doctors by depressed Americans take 2 smoke breaks more in a 40 percent study statistic.  Although most importantly there isn't a good life longitivty
endorsement with smoking cigarettes although many elders who have been said to have smoked many years and have no terminal illnesses or health issues; some from their own words face to face say that they've had no critical health problems.

Confessions have shown the faith of many people who have smoked cigarettes as proof that smoking given all the propaganda or health concepts via media, or word of mouth it is stress as an opinion that triggers bad health decisions such as cigarette smoking, and he who hasnt had a bad health choice taken cast the first stone. There is a bulge in my stomach and it isn't what I would normally accept the suffocating and crammed inflamed bloat to be, the very thick warm ream.

Smoking would off kilter this awkward feeling in my stressmoch aka stomach. This year I really am sorry to quit smoking when lighting up for so long remedied the boiling and brewing nerves in my stomach.

I've not only put on ten more malicious pounds of body fat I have been busting arse to alternate my smoking habit for reasons unknown.

A big bowl of cigarettes were placed at the ceremony of a wedding recently.  This can be complimentary and appropriate for a grand social setting and make a splendid turnout for a wedding.  No proof no harm, only suspicion as a long connection through unpredictable circumstances and mysteries such as smoking consequences and careers. Let's not forget a little goes a long way on a bike, track, or concert venue as we breathe in great amounts of serotonin development of our own chemical make up.

Don't forget George Michael in that Faith poster with his sexy jeans and aviator sunglasses with his cigarette hanging from his beautiful mouth.  Or contemplate your own celebrity memory from eras of impact and influence. The 60's icons Sinatra, or jump into the 80's where Madonna posed gorgeous and strong with a cigarette.  Whoa! Who can peel away these euphoric images that can cause anyone to blush and bruise.  Yowsa! Christmas holidays can bring a pack a cigarettes in a fantasy of all genres combined into the 7,000 chemicals of smoked joy in one lifeless breath away from what we be leave is life in faiths all around us. Jesus knew I believe that his creation would and could combine and light up his true beauty into a tiny offering such as a cigarette to even excessive amounts.

Charisma. Driving in traffic with no gas and a feces stench that rides for hours,  or cigarette plaque flung at the mirror with floss routines ring bells for bodily toxic turmoil.  Many smokers deal with such avenues of internal abuse to rule out all reasoning of cigarette smoking.

There isn't much thought to a cigarette or lighting up one.  It hasn't been a desire in mind to have a smoke.  The state of Indiana has sanctioned against cigarette smoking within several feet from their public door.

In addition, Illinois has made cigarette smoking illegal in public places that traditionally has been a great social outlet after lunch and dinners.  Has this increased the health of the community?  Has banning cigarette smoking increased physical exercises such as running, walking, or made citizens more active?  Ask Mr. Google for a statistic or research the current economic growth even since cigarettes became illegal in some states only.

Could it be a theory that smoking covers up many unpleasant areas of life? Tempting to see cigarettes with more than half left to smoke put out. The taste of many flavors and aromas come out of one cigarette and then goes so many ways to smoke a cigarette and say goodbye to putting.it out or feeling greeted at first spark.

The taste is good when it's a new pack not a stale one.  Yet there are more times than not picking up a stale pack can leave a bitter taste in your mouth.  Then there are many times the sun hits your skin just right and you ate a healthy meal and maybe deserve a little puff or two of a cigarette.

Same goes with carbohydrates tuning into sugar and counted as energy for your calories are countless and estimated more times than not.  Yet with protein and fat there isn't much of a chance to get the right amounts when our soul is depleted of the nutrients and minerals our bodies need mostly.  So a beer may take away what you do have for your body that's good and just as a cigarette leaves nothing in return for your body to be centered and sound.

So the bond of cigarettes are mutually exclusive. The cigarettes caused many problems from scoldings from others to health problems with a lot of stress and pressure to be one of the lucky ones.  The lucky ones who aren't affected with cancer, or emphesema.

I was diagnosed this year with a cancerous cyst on my overy.  It had to be removed woth chances of returning on my other ovary.  Is this from cigarette smoking?  The paradox is smoking is cancerous yet can I be detected as cancer from smoking?  

IndustrI also music)

You feel it in you core from head to toe the sounds vibrate, thrash, and implode the synthesizer rythmns.  There is no way in or out.  The rage sets in through an escape slow and dense for a critical ear.

There around and around the arousal flows intrepid vividness through with intense viral trauma.  There is no width or length in the norm of industrial music.  It is a noise or a harmony tough and rough with out enough overflow into eternal volumes that never ends.

The most important thing of its attachments are metals and synthetic titanium resources. When relating to power tools to this music skills incorporate the applications to do the math and see the difference of opinion and comprehensive of music related to human skills.

Sitting in a basement where fragments of my teen years followed me as butterflies chase the wind.  Then there was a loud thump of air and music blistering my thoughts into evaporation.

Puppet strings were at ease and I was left to my wits end and shaped coffee coasters in the shape of sand dollars.  Hurrying to exhale while sitting with two men who were once young teenagers smoking cigarettes and moshing to Beastie Boys.

The chain smoking continued along with.laughs of the good old days when a "hoe was a hoe" and a big dog named Colton graced us with his hunter skills and interests. The loud sounds of Thunder rumbled through my core let out by sub woofers and amplified dignity.


I learned that those sounds in thousands of motion picture soundtracks come from industrial designed music.  As the night carried us,into LPs, chain smoking, and hunting conversations we need the night with soft guitar mixed with Latin artists .  The trees in the front yard guarded the house from storms blowing from the east and the night brushed by with club sounds such as music with alot of beats and the chain smoking lullaby to hush the constant going out and sitting in-house for hours of industrial and random selections of 90s deputes that felt better to hear than the industrial music nothing more to say about this topic accepting it's compelling message in such an transformation.

Lately ashtrays look full, sometimes beer bottles too.  There are cups that we drink from that along have cigarette butts in them.  This is beyond horrid and thrilling to think about.  There is half a cigarette in the truck ashtray that I won't smoke.  For one it's stale and getting even more so. Two I haven't had a lighter around in a few weeks.  Three didn't I mention rule of no smoking in the truck where not only I have and passengers of the gentler race but it leads me to tell you about the avenues of second hand smoke clouds.

Around and around second hand smoke hover thicker and thicker as my focus intensifies by the nerves and air passage ways of my body or something fill up with good grief and you guessed it right cigarette smoke my friends.

Phish Concert Elkhorn, Wisconsin

The Wisconsin Phish show in Elkhorn August 8-9th had a fresh twist of fun and excitement.  primer parking cost $30.00 and four of us hung out on the bumper with the hatch open meeting our neighbors in their lawn chairs and blankets from all over the country was an adventure.

One woman from Florida made Cod and we talked about all the shows she and her friends been.  Goin to meet people was fun at the start and then and I felt stuck and wanted to get out to eat or close my eyes for a moment.

People  couldn't help staying at the car yet I sat down and we shared stories of meals to cook and Phish songs.  Inside the venue there was blankets and people eating cheese curds drinking IPA for $10.00.  Could it be that the lawn was big enough for hundreds of people and their dreams to unfold under a Phish sky with greenery surrounding the venue.  Bottled waters packed in a bag over Amandas shoulder and enough music to last two to three hours.

Phishheads couldn't stand sitting around so I walked around and noticed cool hair dues, jewelry, clothes, and creative activities such as hoola hoops and different glowing balls and sticks.

The music pulls you in then throws you out with the sounds that make you want to run then stay.  There wasn't much to do so you dance and shout yeah!  I wanted to leave and go and leave and go then stay.  The hills were alive with the sound of music.

The dryness in the air and moisture of the humidity was mild and subtle with temperature drops into the 70s while the smoke rose and the levels of gravity altered egos and dancing shoes.

day 4 prior event
After a long road trip from Indiana to Wisconsin the sounds of music still linger in the afternoon lunch preparations or in the reuniting of friends and family.  There was an echoe of Treys lyics luring in the late mornings with a soft whisper mellowing out the draining plans of the day.  There are circling conversations that can go on and on until further notice a change of heart or a spillage of hidden love fearful of what may become of such long road trip journeys.

There were these three sisters or something that sat next to us and they were very beautiful. It was Sunday and I stayed in the back seat to sleep some while Eric made burgers and the others sat on blankets mostly socializing and it was more of a laid back night than Saturday nights concert.

The venue was full of people and on the lawn we watched somewhere in the middle while Eric danced non stop most of the time a tall man who is in dancing shape and him and Jim who was shouting together with Eric for the music to go on and they did two more songs finishing off with contact and Frankenstein.

The car drive home became a long wait in a line of headlights along two strip of corn fields on both sides for what felt like a few years yet turned out to last only an hour in the night roads of Wisconsin.

 There wasn't much to do in between sets and four of us hung out in the parking area eating or driving around Lake Geneva where we ate breakfast in a different er called Harrys and ordered Harrys specials on a limited menu while the waitress informed us that the the owners child was being baptised.

The night prior to Sundays set we ate hotdogs and grilled them put by the pool in the cheateu where we slept on the floor and shared one bathroom.  Sunday night was nice at the Holiday Inn and we ate in the room hamburgers grilled out by the pool and Swedish fish.

There was a golf course on,the property and a kitchen in,the room.  There was a piano bar in the lobby of the Grand Geneva where we heard puff the magic dragon and relaxed reading the U2 magazine music of 35 years and I couldn't get over how much they built  as music artists.

We sat with several large yellow jackets flying around our heads waiting for the room to open up at 4pm.  How does anyone stretch 4 to 6 hours without a room?  There wasn't much to do and without a nap the nights concert set grew more and more difficult to understand and deliriously fragile.

I felt obligated to stand or sit on the lawn where I couldn't rest my head or use the bathroom and the night Sundays set marked me by a yellow star in the night sky guiding me through it all.  I thought it was a plane nut it never moved in the dark sky.  It was the sun I imagined.  A star of the day that refused to set that day.  It's been a month since the strobing lights aglow swept all I knew into a tornado.

The second show brought a slow pressure cooker to the brain boil and it was like having no clothes on and staying cool the moment the bubble tightened around your choices to decide.

SOA: a perception of a critques reflection:

Sons of anarchy launched my appetite for what movies are all about riding in the mountains winding streets and highways blowing things up, American made motor cycles, and hellofalotta rage to last two life times.  Jaxson can shame Madmax in the biker world not really since Madmax is mad. I was sure Jax would grow up as his father wanted him to be better than he was and with every episode Jax grows more and more into his father

There was no reason for Jax to tie into the killing and he grew more and more distant from his father and mothers dreams in my opinion after his sons were born.  He continued to go on his own burning the journal until he became his father and more.

All this time Jemma (Katey Segal) mom of Jax and he let's us know best by calling her Jemma in stead of mom.  Well once or twice he called her mom.  Mother and son who share a world of anarchy or mayhem. Gunshots through the head, body parts cut off, dismantled heads, bordellos, and time behind bars kept my meditations deep on the bike rides along Charming mountainsides and forest preserves.  America's Harley Davidson brings the clubs truest colors to the scenes of The Sons.  Jimmy the sweet big hearted long gray bearded voice of reason, to Juices youth and strength bringing tatoo and muscles a good name for his quick skills and knowledge of club rules.

 And Katey Segal is a great mom on television.   She was there at all times for Jax.Her mommy tales in action as Peg Bundy in Married with Children and NOW her skills have excelled.  Awards anyone for best mom  television actress?
Then Opie the family man who loses everything his dad, his old lady, and his life behind bars was the tall and long bearded best friend of Jaxon Teller showed his death as a result of the greatest act of love to die in place of his friend.  This again setting Teller back into high gear toward the ones who killed his loved ones.  The rage sets in to go after and seek out without a blink gaining closure on those who loved him through revenge without a second thought to no end. 

Jax Teller the legacy of John Teller can truly come in through family strength bring the right timing at the right place.  The most beloved Tara was the death portraited as the most tragic of all.  A piece of the family to truly miss in the end. Opies second wife turns out to show serious commitment to the club as a responsible mother and career woman, and Donna his first wife starts to live out her legacy when her murderers are revealed to be the results of Tigs who gets into a pattern of accidental shootings and Clay Morrows schemes to no end. The show and tell of his second strike on Tara over letters from the beloved JT send a dominoe effect of deaths in the club putting Morrow into the hands of the son of JT, Jaxson Teller.  Its a little reminder of a movie called Terminator 2 isn't it? 

Ive come close to the end of season 7 and will be waiting for season 8.

II
My mind stretches from east to west north to south with the pattern of or series of creative actions carried out by friends and foes of the Sons.  I can't find a reason why some parts of the tell as is scenes and the quiet confidences of gun shots give me a shock it must be the look in Jaxson Tellers eyes where reason and logic permeate.   Right away I got Opie and Jax's relationship from kids to both having fathers in the club, it wasn't easy to watch but I got it.  We love the Irish, Mayans, Blacks clubs, etc as gun traders until the deal goes south.

Belfast was a cool breeze out of Charming in setting and knowledge of other club members internationally and with family.  The same shots ring out, and creative actions of friends and foes lingo and character done with subtle frequencies that meets the eye of the Sons of Anarchy producers.  Charming I still didn't capture in place in my mind until Season 6 somewhere between 6-7 don't have title handy of episode yet it vaguely temporarily put me back into the voice of my own mother telling me why she picked the town to raise us in rather than the town my own dad grew in as Tara fought to get out of CHarming to her death. Mom saw an old man urinating in a park and we left right away the town. That was enough for her to say she was not raising her kids in that town.

After months of no SOA and pinching through flabby reviews I can still feel those heart felt table talks up and down my spine with the clubs I love yous.  At work I can see those ring punches and bullet holes blowing up bodies.

Who can let this show subside?  That blond main on Jaxson Teller and the long Opie beard of a ghastly length so ghost riders can live on through the years of hog riding up the mountains of the east and west.

I wouldn't want to see a prequel for anything and everything with one blows the whole heart of the matter by adding to it or subtracting from the formula of the orginal action takes of a take 7 seasons from hard felt tears to the strong whip lashes of mahem.

The shape and turn of Samcro from the start to the finish brought engaging and diverging impact on the ability at work to enjoy the freedom of fellowship, loyalty, and family.

At work at home at play at rest SOA was a real wild ride feeling the simmering warmth of the friendship and reunions  to the boiling brusk of colliding plans for vengeance and connections.

Who waited more than the intended recipient to collect guns and pass along the way the world of difference between each other while riding through Charming and realizing the towns infastructure evolving to the growth of the club.

The most important part of SOA summed up to be a heart of gold and much more love for the club where all the legends were in,their minds club

Now after there are interviews and history of SOA cast members to catch up on until Season 9 comes along I hope.  Well the talk at work and at the neighbors over SOA has set a new perception on clubs.

Lit

Another cigarette borken in half in my pocket.  There is the essence of quitting filling my mind and heart.  The thought to smoke it becomes irrelevant and misunderstood by the second.  The smell of ingredients and the taste is a mystery. Then the next day another and another.  All the time I was wondering if cigarettes were quitting me or was it going to be the other way around.  The smell is every where smoke fills the room daily.

There isn't a single person to trust you just do it. And either way the world was flashing good things so then you get nothing done in doubt the inevitable doubt which swings the door both ways while as trust it is comes then it goes.  

So faith becomes a pendulum that flows through the fun and the fun block.   All day we think we're young and old.  Then there is a mystery of clarity that is taken from us too much easier without stamina.  Then there is the advice given without beings taken.

There isn't anywhere to go when your not going anywhere.  Week after week the tools, skills, and practice blows all around the logic in the room.

Hanger

The sky shouted bright clouds and grassy sadness.  Deep voice of dad emerged through the walls of the house.  The human hanger dangled from the shelf tied up in scarves and purse straps.  Sitting a few feet from the human hanger made of pink plastic I stared long and tired at its out of place character tied in with a black plastic human hanger protruding further out of its character pushing on the sweater next to it the pink human hanger jammed the black human hanger into the purse straps while needing to be straightened.

Raised voices echoing orders, cash drawers slamming shut, and washing clothes in the sink has built a new pathway through the weekends.  Tooth brush in purse, dental floss for that one poppy seed stuck in between the front teeth and the miracles of finding keys, getting to bed early, and work early enough to do the face some justice with make up.  A little goes a long way.

Tooth brush never handy when you need one.  Deodorant missing when you need it most, and a broken hanger made from plastic never seemed handy.  There isn't much of a thought in the consistency of events unless you see the gas gauge getting low, and the wallet feeling empty.

Then the talk and humor of it all blended into serious action of borrowing clean shirts and pajamas when the days are full of people and their habits.  The keys then are locked in the truck and the on the way to Chicago this occurs as a long connection of stories have sunk in the hearts of mankind of losing keys, and parking tickets paid and recovered by family and friends.

Short fiction:untitled by anonymous

What is British about Petroleum?  What is Petroleum?  The last thing I heard about the British was about the actor who played the latest Heathcliff in Wheathering Heights the next best romance since Gone with the Wind in that Era.  And the last thing I heard about Petroleum was something with jelly.  Thats jusst me though.  Hearing about such a combo of words can make no sense to the blind eye of course or deaf ear for that matter. I was blown away a little by the hundred of BP references, articles, and website just type it in your search engine www.BP.org this blog is clearly not going to summarize BP.

British Petroleum
By Kati Reyna

There is a harmony in the two subjects when you put your time and effort into the history and BP's current news and such.  Who could know more than single soul about such a name as British Petroluem.  I guess I can go google it and give you a few definitions or tell you about my personal life with BP which do you prefer if you had the choise?  Who cares about outlining, taking notes, thinking, what about the top of your head kinda material that grabs the readers by the knees and pulls them in to a nonsense measure of writing such as this. (Read on at your own leisure)

Another Sunday has swooped by with snow.  There is no poetry about it.  Living in NW Indiana is a hell of a ride on a rusty roller coaster with too much cotton candy and theater for a Hoosier gal without a brain some say.  A little heater and a lot of light coming in from outsides early afternoon winter sky spells out Why God Why?  How badly I would love to write this as an essay or a documentary style blog yet this is no such thing.

four or five days until a 35th birthday and this is a bad grammared up blog and nothing else on a thoughtless scheme of the heart on a refinery in Whiting Indiana called British Petroleum once known as Amoco.  There is no real report here on facts or logic so here goes nothing.  For years (I don't do math)  the sun would rise and go down over four seasons and a little Volvo playing a La Cucaracha car alarm would go on whenever the keys were in the ignition to drive back and forth from BP.

There was an inground pool (NOT!)  There was a five feet above gorund pool and a trampoline in the back yard and a basketball hoop wfith breakfast every morning while the house was fixed up for decades until just recently sold.  Roller blades and name brand fancied two young women growing up with a education and a finess for mechanically inclined careers never taken.  Art and entertainment swept you off your feet rather than nurses and managers.

After several travelling experiences and vehicles my side of what I understand of BP began to take on a new life.  I could have laid in bed for years or worked.  I did both in a dream world of accomplishments and goals I worked and slept through my twenties as I saved for a life of my own which I figured would be in the city. Two girls went to live in the city and only one returned.
It was the year of a BP retirement party during a very brisk summer of wedding plans, and selling a house.

Chapter 2

a piece of toast sat in hand with peanut butter and a fly came swooning down for a landing only to be stuck in the buttery sticky substance.  The wind on Southmoor Ave. had a smell that gave direction and meaning to its invisable existance.  The blue sky and white Cumulus clouds were that of a painting along the houses while sitting on the front porch in awe of the silence as a painting normally sounds.  The sounds of showers running, floors sweeping, and voices treading the mornings of the 1990's were infinitely discombobulating.  There wasn't a trace of noise only a mesmerized dreamer for could trace the lines of the four seasons rituals and voices in Highland, IN.

Video games, computers, tools, cars, and the balance of fun road a long highway for success in a household of four with teenagers gathering their resources for a quick speedily exit into adulthood.  Who could break down the details as well as a detective during the changes of teachers, classes, and after school activities.  No one could woof down a bag of corn chips or sit through a handful of movies in one sitting.  There was big slices of pizza, watermelon, and traditional cooking of Chinese, Mexican, and American cultural foods sometimes at the table.

Mondays rolled into Tuesdays and so forth.  Where did he go?  Where was he coming from?  Monday through Sunday long hours at BP?  What was BP?  This plant? This refinery of worldwide impacts....wait this is not about BP.  This is not a blog about pipes, and oil.  This blog is not a research paper.  This is a short fiction story with just enough to give BP a hook into the readers mind.
When will the story begin?  Where will it end?  Who is it seriously about this short story.

Lets get back to BP.  There were big white tanks with spiral stairs swirling along the side of the tanks for miles down Route 41 where to the west a golf course lay dorment half the year and to the west a labryinth of pipes disconfigured around and around as the anatomy of a human bodys veins.  The loud foot steps today ring a new end for an old and ancient start of the day where nothing is accomplished and nothing gets rewarded anymore.  The longing for the dreadful call of a whistle to start you up in the morning dripped heavily in the ear drums down into the chambers of the heart.

There was a once a train that road down the track that no longer goes anywhere.  Once in a while a rumbling comes from the back of the mind of the midnight train and horn.  Feet move and breath along the dirt grounds of NW IND onto floors imagined for the take of the morning news and a piece of toast with one egg.  Selective hearing, and picky eaters climb their way to the top just to bring you down.  Retirement?  What is retirement for a BP foreman dolled up and changing careers which means just spending more time in another line of work already going on with tools, wood, and thirty something year old shoes.

BLue collar, blue pants and helmets were BP attire.  There is no fancying that.  Buckets of fried chicken for the crew and cole slaw.  Lockers for shoes.  BP's whting plant in this blogs view stands with a take it as it comes perspective of a very bright star shining over Whiting, IN cool night skies and beachfrint casinos.  There wasn't a smell more odarless than BP.  There wasn't a bell more silent that BP.  A quiet confidence of a clear oil never to be seen.  Only heard.

InTouch Ministries Read - Forgiveness: An Act of Love

InTouch Ministries Read - Forgiveness: An Act of Love

Blue Feather A Short Story

[Blue Feather]

By Katherine Anne Reyna

 Chapter Two Deep Waters The chopping sounds of footsteps pressing down on choppy snow brought foot prints of joy to Elinor as she opened the shop for the ice fishermen a tribe of natives called The Arrow heads.  They got their name for their sharp arrows that pierced fish for the Eskimo villages.   Chapter Two called Eleanor's Revival The brisk walk from the shop was met by soft snow flakes.  Melting wet on the warmth of my skin.  There wasn't anything going on unless guidelines were given.  Elinor's red hair flopped over one green eye and her 21 year old heart dreamed big.  Alaska was no place for a city girl where her igloo sparked bonfires of hope and love.

 Chapter Three Invisible Steps Well hold on to your ..There goes more years if your life😢The stove was cooking up pots of beef stew, potatoes dumpling, and apple pie spices.  Jill Watson daughter cleaned the horses stables at dawn on weekdays and met with her father in the afternoons with the village town men to gather plans on their car company's plant an hour from the mainland.  The ocean burst waves of chilled ice that violently crashed up along the east coast ice bergs and mountains.  Small boats were brought in and out of the villages main land where Elinor watched fish by the ton being weighed for sale. She importing and exporting of inventory was usually abundant in left over fish for decades enough left for ten tons to be handed out to villagers of Arrowhead tribes families.   For a month she was washing her hair with the warm waters preserved in her igloo.  Her father began to take notice of the years end of supplies with more precision than ever before.  Elinor
 made her clothes from deer skin and cub hides hone made with her mother each season.  The wolves in the west howled through the silent motions of the layers of thick ice.  Tragically the Arrowheads village would be under water in less than a handful of years due to global warming and Elinor was restless and frightened. 

  Chapter Three Echoed of Wolves Growing up along the snowy plaines of Alaska was not a exciting  habitat for young Elinor.  Her hair glowed red in the Alaskan sun light and her outdoor chores of cabin building and fire starting didn't take away her girlish antics that charmed all the villagers.  Her schooling was from the fisherman's wharf where she learned to spear fish for a living with the Arrowhead women.  The tribe left every evening at dusk along the frozen frontier where deep waters preserved fresh fish for the families of the village.  When her sister died she made an oath with God that she wasn't dead and would be home soon.  Then there was her disappearance and rumors of her own death.  There wasn't a way back she could see to her family but through Christ He alone saved everything completely.  Blue feathers blew across the bike trail she road to Belmont St.  And she put them in her book bag.  Then there were sitcoms of relationships and family issues on all waiting room televisions. Maybe she thought life was a waiting room.  The watching was work for something that would never come...Quanira her baby sister.  The Alaskan heart was preserved legend tells it by subzero temperatures year round keeping the Alaskan heart clean and pure

 Chapter Four the Shop Beef stew, apple pie spices, and city imported wines were the clock work meals around Arrow head Village.  Stretching the long days  and best hunting methods put the sun up more speedily and slowly at dawn. The weather cracked into the igloos foundation.  Fresh fish nets were thrown across the Pacific coast s from barges and ships.  The shop was locked after open hours and plans were skipped as Elinor did not show up.  Meanwhile she pulled herself up through the hole she fell through with all she could muster in strength.   She didn't feel it coming the seven foot drop under a thick bed of snow.  The sweet smell of sap lingered through the air from cedar.  The calm wind directed the time frame of her in Inventory decreased as the economy collapsed after nine eleven.  Learning the natural essence of survival made legendary Alaskans legacy.  Markets went up and down and the fishing industry stayed strong.  Elinor brushed the horses mains while her dad spent more days in the car plant.  Her shoulders crept up to a nail biting suspense for her future.  The temperature dropped and her hikes through the woods crunched thicker under every foot print until no prints were left.  A seven foot drop followed through the late hours as Elinor slept under a cool snow blanket.  Secret messages whispered Christ through the cry of wolves another midnight clear.

Chapter Seven Luis of Ravendale.  The fish industry had built a haven for decades until the death of Elinor and the discover of the Ravendales Pirate relationship with a bright young women with her life full of great prospects of the stolen ton of fish at dusk.  It was when Luis a Ravendale pirate came to the mainland to see Elinor for the ton of fish.  A twenty four year old native  Luis had long hair black hair tied up in a pony tail.  Yearning for Elinor he ran to search her existence.  Never in ten years did Elinor miss the Ravendale barge at dusk.  He sensed her life s danger and believed the heavens above heavens would lead him to his destiny.  His fate to hear of her disappearance and death devastated him and he fell into a fifteen year coma.  Elinor's body was never turned up and gossip spread that she ran off with the Ravensdale Pirates into Chicago's inland of Lake Ontario. The underground moisture. There wasn't a useful bone left buried in the woods.  Marshmallows she could taste.  The chocolate coffee her mom made filled her thoughts.  She didn't want to feel the reality of her numbing feet. 

. Chapter Nine❄there was a shift in the Artic and there was a measure of Alaskas music festival a majestic folklore of time and space. wait it out or in patience turned into a wide seasonal drama while a small village mourned over the disappearance of their beloved Elinor. A sweet red haired youth who was about to pass a milestone after twenty one years.  A little girls dreams gone .  There wasn't a cloud I'm sight through the stillness of mundane colors black in the broken and hardened hearts of trembling fright filled brothers and sisters.  The sky turned red and the Alaskan snow banks continued cold and bitter.  All the shoulds and what ifs were gone.  The arrowheads continued their search and they were not alone.  The Ravendale pirates combed the villages for 77 miles in all directions. Luis's coma kept him below deck while pirates had searches along the oceans glaciers and mountains.    They would not stop until the fish were delivered I'm full to them and only Elinor knew of this deception.  Meanwhile Elinor occupied a hole seven feet deep in the deep woods of the Arrowhead village.  Some say she didn't want to be discovered.  The mystery deepened about Elinor's disappearance and she  would never live to tell of the villages answers that laid under their noses.  What are you having?  Pie?  Pies?  Singular pie.  It's very cold.  The night air is dry.  The clouds are not around.  There is a dream to live.  A dream to give.


There wasn't much left to remember when all the town hurried to work and school of little Elinor.  There was one magical boy who woke up to her mothers cry out and messages of hope through blue feathers some spattered with blood.